If you know me or have read my “about this site” page then you would know that I suffer badly with panic disorder and depression. A lot of people say to me it can’t be that bad, but unless you have gone through a panic attack then you will never really understand, but let me try to break it down for you.
I’m married with 4 beautiful children and every day they watch me suffer from my anxiety. Simple things can be tough some days, such as going shopping, doing the school run or visiting people. I hardly go anywhere to be honest unless my husband is with me because I fear my panic attacks so much. I know I should embrace them and fight them as hard as I can but it’s hard to keep fighting especially when you don’t often win.
So how does it feel to have a panic attack?
For me it’s a sickly feeling at first like my stomach is spinning around like a washing machine, I then literally feel the colour drain from my face and my head begins to tingle. The tingle ends up as a burning head rush from the top of my head to the tip of my toes. My heart beat thumps in my chest and in my ears so hard that I’m certain people around me can hear it. Then comes the light headed feeling that knocks me on my arse so to speak. It kind of feels like I’m drowning and no matter how much I fight to get my head above water, I just keep getting pushed back down again. My panic attacks can last anywhere between 10mins to 40 mins and in that time I feel like I’m going to pass out or die.
Once I have calmed down and the colour comes back in my face I feel like I’ve been on a drinking bender. My legs are wobbly, my head thumps and I feel drained. My body just wants to lie down and sleep. So now can you please tell me how someone can say to me that it can’t be that bad? Imagin feeling that way 6-10 times a day. It’s not something I can just get over and get on with but it is something I have to live with. So the next time you offer me to a party, a day out or even just for a coffee and I turn you down, it’s not because I don’t want to it’s because I’m scared of feeling that way in front of people. Please understand that this is not an excuse sadly it’s my life.